Shaping the Future - A Call to Parents

Shouldn't we examine ourselves and do our utmost to perfect this crucial skill: parenting. By: Yasmin Mogahed

One hundred years from now, it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove ... but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child."

This anonymous poem reflects much of the sentiment taught by our beloved Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, 1400 years ago.

The Messenger of Allah, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "If the son of Adam dies, his actions are ceased except three: A continuing charity, knowledge which benefits others, or a righteous son who supplicates for him." (Muslim and Ahmed)

In our graves, our wealth will be of no benefit to us. The success of our careers, and the level of our degrees will be of no value. How well we raised our children will. And yet so much of our time, so much of our learning and our efforts are spent for the sake of those things, which are fleeting.

In another hadeeth the Prophet, sallal­lahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "A servant will have his rank raised and will say: `O my Lord how has this come about for me?' He says, `Through your sons after you seeking forgiveness for you."' (Ahmed and Ibn Majah)

When we leave this world, what will we leave behind? What mark will we make? What will we send forward? What will we take? Our children will inherit this life. In their hands may lay our ultimate salvation-or our ultimate ruin. In their hands may lay the ulti­mate salvation or ruin of our Ummah. Shouldn't something that important demand our full attention? Shouldn't we examine ourselves and do our utmost to perfect this crucial skill: parenting.

DO NOT IMPOSE, INSTILL LOVE EARLY

Imagine a child raised in a home where, aside from some cultural norms, Islam is essentially irrelevant. Parents are not serious about salah and whatever Islamic practice they do per­form is done more out of ethnic cus­toms than Islam. Now imagine the child reaches puberty. A girl who was never really instilled with Islam before, is now forced to wear hijab. A boy whose life was never centered around Islam is now made to attend Salatul-Jumuah. Will it surprise any­one if those kids rebel?

Consider, on the other hand, a child who was raised knowing and loving Qur'an, was taken to the masjid early on, and performed salah alongside his parents. Would hijab or Salatul­ Jumuah need to be imposed? Or would it only be a natural extension for a child whose very nature is Islam? Instill and reinforce love for Allah and His Messenger from the day they are born.

KILL YOUR TELEVISION AND VIDEO GAMES

Many parents monitor what their chil­dren watch, but not how much. No matter how much you monitor, these things are still harmful for a number of reasons. First, watching television is a learned habit that does not disappear in adulthood. A young child could agree to watch Sesame Street. But chances are, a teenager will not. And few could disagree that television programs designed for teenagers and adults contain far from Islamically appropriate content. Secondly, consid­er the number of hours that are easily eaten up by TV and video games. Children can literally stay up the entire night playing a video game in order to advance to a higher level. Consider the words of our Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, concern­ing the importance of time:
"The feet of a servant will not turn away on the Day of judgment until he is asked about four things: his life­ time, how he lived it; his youth, how he spent it; his wealth, from where he earned it and on what he spent it, and his knowledge and how he put it to work." (Tirmithi)

Lastly, studies show that irrespective of content, children who spend a lot of time with television and video games are more aggres­sive, less likely to read, and more like­ly to develop attention problems, such as attention deficit disorder.

"SPOIL" YOUR KIDS WITH LOVE, TIME, AND ATTENTION

One unfortunately pervasive myth is that giving children "too much" love, time and affection "spoils" them. This could not be farther from the truth. It is trying to give them other things to replace your love, time and affection, which in fact spoils them. Children who are "spoiled" with love and atten­tion become the most generous, lov­ing and giving of people. Those from whom this love and attention was withheld, often become narrow hearted and unwilling to give.

No one was more merciful and showed more affection to children than our beloved Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam. He, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, was once visited by Al­Aqra' ibn Habis. He, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, lifted Al-Hassen, placed him on his lap and kissed him. Al-Agra said, "I have 10 children and I have not kissed a single one of them." This was a point of pride, manhood-that one is not soft, that one is tough. The Prophet said to him, "Can I help it if Allah has removed mercy from your heart?" He, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, went on to say, "And whoever is not merciful will not receive mercy." (Bukhari and Muslim)

DO NOT REWARD FOR ACTS OF WORSHIP

Do not pay your children to fast, or promise them large gifts if they pray. Instill in them a love for Allah that will motivate them internally to perform salah and fast. Social psychologists have shown that when people are given external rewards or motivation to do some activity, they enjoy doing that activity less and are less motivat­ed, than if they are given no external reward but the reward is internally motivated. 

START ATTACHMENT EARLY

Practice attachment parenting early on. When your children are young, let them sleep next to you, and carry them often. Research shows that doing these things does NOT spoil the child, but creates a secure attachment between the parent and child that allows the child to succeed better as an adult. This attachment is a fundamen­tal precursor to successful parenting because without it you cannot fully instill Islam. Consider, for example, the relationship between the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, and his daughter Fatima. From very early on, she maintained a close relationship with her Father who thereby conveyed his mission to her.

ATTACHMENT IS THE FIRST STEP TO DISCIPLINE

If a secure attachment is created early on between the parent and child, dis­cipline will easily follow. If the parent maintains this closeness with the child and shows consistent love and approval, the child will avoid doing things that would disappoint or jeop­ardize that relationship. Discipline should not and would not need to be done with a stick, but would rather flow naturally. If the relationship were based on love and respect, the child would be motivated by the desire to maintain that respect.

BUILD YOUR CHILD'S SELF ESTEEM

Make sure your children know how precious they are. Tell them whenever possible how good and how smart they are. Make sure they know what a gift they are and how important they are as a person. Let them know that they can have the ability to change the world, and show them how much faith and hope you have in them. A child who is told he is a failure will always be a failure. And only a child who thinks he can change the world, ever will.    

Respecting Our Childen

A significant tool for parents that help them turn their children into great people. By: Bushra Zaibak

There is a popular saying: "Behind every great man, is a woman." There is much truth in that. There are times I do feel, however, that it should be rephrased: "Behind every great man there are great parents." Are we going to be the great parents behind our great men (and women)? Believe it or not, those little munchkins running around your house are eventually going to be adults. Hard to believe, isn't it? What are we, the great parents doing to make our mini-humans great people?

A few days after my daughter was born, I wanted to call my doctor back and ask him if she happened to run into an instruction manual when she was delivering her. Soon, I realized that there is something better than an instruction manual. I found all the tips and lessons I needed in the Qur'an and the Sunnah.

One of the most important points I have come across is respect. I am not talking about our children respecting us; I am talking about us respecting our children.How do we respect our children? I asked a few kids ages 12-16 what they would like from their parents. The most popular answer was respect. They wanted to be treated like adults. That is actually an easy demand to be met. There are lots of things you can do to make them feel like adults without having to buy them their own house and car.

One thing you can do is to get their opinion on things. For example, you can ask little Fatima what she thinks of the situation in the Middle East. Sure her opinion will not stop the Israeli occupation, but it will definitely make her feel like her opinion matters. If she feels like her opinion matters then she will feel like she can make a difference. That is a major ingredient in the making of a great person. The Qur'an offers a sample of this type of approach. When the prophet Ibrahim, alayhes salam, was inspired to slaughter his son, he took his son, prophet Ismael, and asked him what his opinion was. The Qur'an says: "And when he attained to working with him, he said: O my son! Surely I have seen in a dream that I should sacrifice you; consider then what you see. He said: O my father! Do what you are commanded; if Allah please, you will find me of the patient ones [37:102].

Prophet lbrahim did not just come up behind him and kill him. Nor did he do it while his son was sleeping. He asked him his opinion on this matter. Prophet lsmael told him to do as he is commanded and insha Allah he will be patient. What a great answer prophet lsmael gave. What a great father he had. Some scholars say that prophet lsmael was as young as seven years old at the time.

Another thing you can do is to be there for your children. Never put them off when they ask questions, otherwise they will look for their answers somewhere else. I am sure you do not want that. Quench their thirst for knowledge by not giving simple one or two worded answers. For instance, Huda asks her father what he does for a living. He replies "I am a pharmacist". She asks what a pharmacist does. He answers "I sell drugs". Then comes career day at school and Mr. Teacher wants to know what Huda's daddy does for a living. Little innocent Huda would then proudly raise her hand and say, "My daddy sells drugs". The next thing you know you will have cops knocking at your door with a warrant to search your home for illegal drugs.

I know you cannot tell them a never-ending story with each question. There are times when you are busy or tired or just do not feel like it. Just try to make good use of the times when you are not busy or tired. My mother had a great way of quenching our thirst for knowledge. My mother likes to listen to Qur'an and Islamic lectures on tape. Every time she hears a story that she thinks was great she would gather my sisters and I so she can tell us what she just heard. We felt so smart when we used to go to Saturday School and already know the story the teacher is explaining.

Another great thing to do is praise them. Everyone loves to feel that they are appreciated or they are doing a good job. "Noor, you are so good at that!" or "Ali, you were such a great help today, I do not know what I would have done without you!" Subhanallah, even my nine-month-old daughter, who only recently came into the human world, needs to be praised. Sometimes I have to do a triple somersault, cartwheel, back flip and a hula dance -all while I am clapping and cheering hysterically -just to get her to finish her plate. Ok, I am exaggerating a little but I am sure you get the point.

On the other hand, one of the things you should try to avoid, however, is losing your temper. When you lose your temper, you say or do things that you do not mean. Be lenient and do not take things too seriously. This was the way of our beloved Prophet, as mentioned in the following hadeeth:

Anas reported that Allah's Messenger, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, had the best disposition amongst people. "He sent me on an errand one day, and I said: "By Allah, subhanahu wa' tala I would not go." I had, however, this idea in my mind that I would do as Allah's Apostle, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, had commanded me to do. I went out until I happened to come across children who had been playing in the street. In the meanwhile, Allah's Messenger, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, came there and he caught me by the back of my neck from behind me. As I looked towards him I found him smiling and he said: "Unais, did you go where I commanded you to go?" I said: "Allah's Messenger, yes, I am going." Anas further said: I served him for nine years but I know not that he ever said to me about a thing which I had done why I did that, or about a thing I had left as to why I had not done that." (Muslim)
What a great example he was! He did not say, "You defy me!" and chase him all across the desert with a stick. He asked him again, in the most gentle and pleasant way. At the end of the hadeeth, Anas recalls that the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, never scolded him about why he did or did not do something. The Prophet's great character helped build a great Islamic figure.

Lastly, we should try not to favor one child over the other. If you kiss one of them, you should kiss all of them. And you should kiss them. Abu Hurairah reported that al-Aqra' ibn Habis saw Allah's Apostle, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, kissing Al-Hasan. He said: I have ten children, but I have never kissed anyone of them, whereupon Allah's Messenger, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said: He who does not show mercy (towards his children), no mercy would be shown to him. (Muslim)

There is great reward in trying to do all these things. When we treat them the way we like to be treated they will feel more comfortable with us. They will share their feelings and confide in us more. They will respect us because they love us, not respect us because they fear us. These children are the future of the Islamic society. May Allah help us in making them the best leaders in the best society.